taeyeon - japan showcase 2018 in osaka; mention of jonghyun


translation: mredwardsanders

trigger warning: allusions to jonghyun’s passing

she starts crying doing the second [verse] of “비밀 (secret)” and is unable to sing anymore. she stops [the song] once, “i’ll sing it again. this song is really heart-rending….ahhh, shit! …(cries) i’m sorry. it seems like my emotions are off. i cry while laughing. i laugh while crying (laughs).

she couldn’t stop her tears for a while; she wipes her face with a towel. ㅠㅠ

i used to only cry a few times a year….how did i become so afraid… my microphone is a gun/rifle, i hold it thinking that i’m going to bring everyone down with this. i wonder if the bullets aren’t loaded [today]. (laughs)”

taeyeon wasn’t able to sing the highest note during the chorus of “ur”, and she couldn’t sing for a while after that but she stood firm and sung till the end. after “ur”, there was a pause.

could you give me some time?” taeyeon starts speaking. “i would appreciate it if you could dim the lights (a little). i feel a little scared of the lights right now (she said while holding back her tears).”

after a long pause, “i think it was during last year’s christmas concert but it was so hard for me, it was (a period) when i was just opening and closing my eyes. until then i thought there wasn’t anything to fear in this word. but since then, this odd feeling materialized, and i’m surprised by it myself. i’m currently trying to get used to that feeling. it wasn’t something that crying would fix so i couldn’t cry. while doing that, i came to want to comfort myself. there was someone who wanted to hear the words, “you worked hard”, but he wasn’t able to hear those words. so i said “you worked hard” to myself. it was around the beginning of this year. it really is a simple phrase, and i was able to comfort myself with just these words but i think he wasn’t even able to say them. so, as someone who was by his side, as his friend, i felt apologetic, and felt hurt.

he really loved vibrant things [1], and he loved standing on stage, every time he stood on stage under the lights he gave me a lot of strength. ……… because something like that happened, i feel scared of lights that aren’t from lightsticks. i wanted to explain to everyone why i became like this. i wanted to give positive influences on everyone so i’m really sorry for crying so much [2].

there’s something i promised everyone back then right? i’m fighting hard to keep this promise. i’d like to hold this gun (mic) and defeat everyone. (laughs) everyone, please give me courage.”

translator’s notes

[1]: vibrant – extravagant, flamboyant, flashy

[2]: it actually says “baka mitai ni” which means “like a fool
[3]: ie: a promise that she / i – will continue to sing forever. i won’t go somewhere far away, i will give it my best singing and making music by your side.